Pastor Mark Stafford

Introduction

My parents are both believers and when I was a kid, they went through a long and difficult divorce. Lara’s parents are also divorced. Before them, my grandmother went through a difficult divorce as well. Statistically, Lara and I should also be divorced by now, but by the grace of God, we have been married for almost 19 years.

When I chose to marry Lara, I was determined to stop the cycle of divorce in my family. I was determined to fight to keep my marriage together so I began my training by studying what the Bible had to say about marriage.

Outside of God’s grace, the only thing that has preserved our marriage all these years are the principles about marriage that we found in God’s Word.

For those of you who are here this morning who are in or who have been through a difficult marriage, I understand where you are coming from and I’m so glad you’re here. I hope that today we will all be encouraged from God’s Word about what marriage is supposed to be – even if you’ve never seen it done the right way in your family.

I came across an article this week with a line in it that really bothered me. It said that many divorced people leave the church because “Many … find that the climate in their church is very negative towards divorcing couples. So, they move to other congregations that are either more accepting of divorce, or are unaware of their marital status.”

Teaching on the value of marriage can be problematic for a couple of reasons:

• The Bible’s view of marriage is so high that I can hardly overstate its importance. My desire is that no one would ever be divorced here at Canyon and that every marriage in this room would be healthy.
• However, some of you have faced truly terrible situations and the church should be the very best place to find the love of Christ when you are faced with difficult circumstances

So please bear with me as I try to temper truth with grace… so that we can walk away from today’s meeting with an even higher view of marriage than when we walked into the door… while understanding that we need to extend God’s grace to others as He’s extended it towards us.

Marriage is worth fighting for – Proverbs 18:22

The Bible says that “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord”. Proverbs 18:22

My generation and our culture does not a high enough view of marriage. But I would also argue that my grandparents and their grandparents (before them) did not have a high enough view of marriage either.

There is now (and has always been) this vast expanse between the high, Biblical view of marriage and the throw-away, take-it-or-leave-it view of marriage that has been adopted by our culture.

The Bible’s view on marriage is radical. The Bible’s teaching on marriage is often shocking to people because it is so selfless and so Christ-centered. God designed marriage in a way that is both God-glorifying and counter-cultural.

Marriage is a good gift, it glorifies God when it’s done well and it is worth fighting for!

When the Jesus was asked about marriage and divorce in Matthew 19, he went right to God’s original design when He created marriage. Jesus found the creation account of marriage highly relevant.

In Matthew 19 Jesus said these words,  “⁴ …“Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, ⁵ and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? ⁶ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

I came across a Huffington Post article this week where the author was trying to make an argument for redefining marriage to include same-sex couples. She said, “Marriage is a constantly evolving institution. You’ve probably heard by now how the Bible mentions many forms of marriage. For example, men must marry their brother’s widows, women must marry their rapists, and men may take multiple wives at once.”[2]

This is a classic example of someone misquoting the Bible; Someone who does not have any idea what they are talking about. We just read Jesus’ words where He clearly affirmed that God’s model for marriage is one man and one woman for one lifetime.

So this morning we are going to follow our Lord’s example and look at what the actually Bible says rather than make something up based on our assumptions.

God created marriage. He knows exactly how it’s supposed to work. (Genesis 2, Matthew 19:3-6)

When we follow God’s instructions, marriages not only work well, but they are glorious testimonies to the life-transforming power of the gospel.

Some Americans will look at the Biblical blueprint for marriage and they think it’s extreme. I think it’s refreshing and it’s worth fighting for!

I’ve found that healthy marriages are rare. God’s Word makes it clear that a healthy marriage is based on Jesus and making disciples and serving others. It’s not primarily based on recreation or romance or feelings. Those things are all fine, but they are secondary.

The Bible points to a far more important and foundational truth about marriage. The Bible makes it clear that ultimately, marriage is all about knowing and showing the love of Jesus.

Marriages are designed to be centered on Jesus and committed to making disciples

Here is the first reason why:

Marriage is a living model of Christ’s love for the church. (Ephesians 5)

Sometimes it is not fun, is not romantic and it does not feel good to show sacrificial love to another person, but it does honor God and it does create healthy marriages.

Ephesians 5 says, “²² Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, ²⁶ that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, ²⁷ so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish”

Christ’s love for His people is so vast that the Bible needed to use many different illustrations to help us understand it.

According to that scripture, marriage is a model of Jesus’ love for His bride, the church. God’s Word shows us that marriage is a supernatural illustration of how much Jesus loves the church. “²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”…  In this way, God’s Word points at a higher reality of marriage. The love of Christ is put on display in a marriage when one spouse shows selfless love to the other. For example:

• When I am unkind to Lara and she rises above my behavior and treats me with respect back – even though I deserve disrespect – then she is loving me exactly like God loves me. She is displaying a model of Christ’s sacrificial love for the church. In showing me grace, she is displaying God’s covenant keeping love for his people.
  John 3:16-17 “¹⁶ “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. ¹⁷ For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.”
• If Lara is sick and unable to serve our family or any of my “needs”, but instead I have an opportunity to serve her in her time of need. My commitment to her and to her care – even though she is unable to give anything back in return – is exactly how God loves us. He loves us and serves us and is committed to us even before we were able to serve Him.
  Romans 5:8, “God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

Marriage was created as a living illustration of Christ’s love for the church. God displays his love for fallen mankind more clearly in a healthy marriage than He does in any other way. In view of God’s self-sacrificing love for us, Christians can have a different response when they are faced with difficulties in their marriages. When someone says, “how can you stay married to a man like him or a women like her?” our response can instantly point to Jesus and his love for us.

• “Let me tell you about the Savior’s great love for me”
• “Let me tell you about how lost I was before I entered into a relationship with Jesus. Did you know that I was heading to Hell and Jesus paid the ultimate price so that I could be saved from eternal death? If Christ is willing to forgive a man like me and make an immeasurable sacrifice for the salvation of my soul, then certainly, I can love my spouse – even if at times that is hard to do.”
• “When you look at my marriage and the way that I love my wife, in a small way you might see a glimpse of the Savior’s great love for me – and His great love for you. Do you know Him?”

It is vital for Christians to fight for their marriages so that Christ’s love is on display by your love for your spouse. Love is proved by the way it selflessly gives for the well-being of another. Healthy marriage are not primarily built on feelings. They are primarily built on Christ-honoring, selfless acts of love.

Jesus didn’t feel like going to the cross for me. He sweat blood in agony the night before he was crucified. He begged the Father for another way. But he went anyway because of His love for His bride, the church. Love is always displayed by actions, not by feelings.

• The ultimate act of love in a marriage is to extend grace to an imperfect spouse when they fail.
• The best gift you could give your spouse is grace they don’t deserve.
• The best gift Christ gave to us was grace we didn’t deserve.

Marriage is all about putting Christ’s love on display for a lost world to see.

A committed spouse displays Christ’s love – especially to an unbeliever. Luke 12:51-52, 1 Peter 3

The gospel often divided homes in the New Testament church. The wife was on the side of the gospel and the husband was not (or vise-versa).

Luke 12:51-52 Jesus said, “⁵¹ Do you think that I have come to give peace on earth? No, I tell you, but rather division. ⁵² For from now on in one house there will be five divided, three against two and two against three.”

So what happens in the case where a household is divided by the gospel? That situation gives a believing spouse another way of putting Christ’ love for the church on display!

Turn in your Bible to 1 Peter 3

Culturally, this situation would have created a huge problem. In the Greco-Roman context of the New Testament, a man’s family was expected to follow him in his religious practices. A man’s wife and all the servants in the house were expected to worship in the same way the male head of the home worshipped.

Spiritually, this situation created a huge opportunity to show Christ’s love for the church. Here is how Peter says a believing wife is supposed to handle her unbelieving husband:

She supposed to act toward him exactly like God acts towards us.

• God sees our sin.
• God sees our lostness.
• God sees our unholiness

AND…God goes to work. He begins to extend grace. He pursues us in love. He makes a way and he waits for us to reach out and respond to the offer of his saving grace.

So what does he ask of a women who has found herself in a household that is divided? God asks that woman to allow Christ in her to extend supernatural grace to her husband as long as he’ll stay… and maybe God will use her actions to save her husband’s soul!

1 Peter 3

Wives and Husbands

“3 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, ² when they see your respectful and pure conduct. ³ Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— ⁴ but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”

In light of eternity, marriage lasts for about a second. This passage is not talking about how to have a perfect home. It’s not talking about how to kindle romance. It is talking about something far more important: This passage addresses how a women makes such a selfless display of the love of Christ that she is powerfully used by God to win her husband’s soul for eternity! The Bible urges a believer to live in a way that displays Jesus’ love to an unbelieving spouse.

I believe this passage can also be applied more widely to encompass a Christian husband who is struggling with sin. I think it can also be applied to Christian marriages because of the example that Peter uses in this passage. Peter gives this incredible example of grace from the Old Testament. He points to a woman who was married to the very first prophet listed in Scripture… a woman named Sarah. Look at verse 5 “⁵ For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, ⁶ as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.”

Abraham was generally a good man who feared God. However, there were these times when Abraham had incredible failures.

• God promised him a son, but he did not wait for God’s timing. He broke God’s law and slept with a slave in order to make sure God fulfilled His promise of a son. His decision deeply hurt Sarah.
• Twice, Abraham lied about Sarah being his wife and she was taken to be part of a King’s harem (only to be returned when the king found out she was married).

Abraham made some pretty huge mistakes and those mistakes caused serious consequences for Sarah. Do you know how Sarah treated him?

• She extended grace to Abraham.
• She treated him better than he deserved.
• She showed him God’s love – a love that was totally unmerited. A love that was a gift of grace (like God’s love for us).

She showed Abraham respect even when he deserved her disrespect. She even called him “lord” (the modern equivalent of “sir”) and showed him respect:

• even though he had sinned –
• even though he had hurt her –
• even though he did not protect her like he should have.

She honored the marriage covenant she had made before God to Abraham. Abraham made some pretty serious mistakes and she forgave him. She forgave him like God forgives us. That is how she displayed God’s love to the world in the way that she loved Abraham.

Men don’t get a free pass here. Look at verse 7. Notice the very first word is “Likewise.” Men are supposed to have the same kind of attitude towards their wives. So, everything that was just said about wives could also be applied to husbands. There is only one verse written specifically to men and it is power-packed.

Verse 7

^“7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

In 1 verse, Peter tells husbands how to show Christ’s love to their wives:

Men: Fight to show Christ’s Love to your wife

Here are three implications from this passage on how men can show self-less love to their wives:

• Stop dominating your wives. You can lead your wife without ordering her around like she is your slave. Stop. Sit down with her. Hear what she has to say.
• Understand her. As you seek to understand her, that is showing her Christ’s love.
• Honor her and esteem her as an equal. You are not more important to God than she is. She inherits the same eternal life you do if she follows Christ. She is just as important to God as you are.

Husbands in this passage are extended a very simple benefit as well as a serious warning.

• Warning: If you want God to hear your prayers, then you must treat your wife appropriately or else your prayers will be hindered.
• Benefit: If you treat your wife well, then the Almighty God – the most powerful power in the universe – listens, responds and answers to your prayers.

It gets down to the most basic nature of God’s working in your family. We reconcile relationships with one another because ultimately, Disciples of Jesus are in the business of displaying God’s love to a fallen world.

Fight to show God’s grace to your spouse

My love for my spouse impacts a lot of people! When we have marriages that are marked by grace and forgiveness, then Christ’s love is clearly shown. Marriages marked by tension, fighting and animosity don’t display the grace of Jesus very well. Proverbs 17:1 says, “Better is a dry morsel with quiet than a house full of feasting with strife.”

My goal as a disciple is to proclaim to a lost world the incredible, saving love of Jesus. That begins with loving my own wife sacrificially. In doing so, the world is receiving a clear message from me. (God loves me unconditionally. I’m trying to be like him. You can catch a glimpse of God’s love for me in how I love my wife.) God’s Word exhorts us to begin our proclamation of the gospel with how we show Christ’s love to our spouses.

Life Application:

He who finds a wife finds a good thing
and obtains favor from the Lord. Proverbs 18:22

Love is proved by the way it selflessly gives for the well-being of another. It is important to fight for our marriages because it is important to show the world how much Jesus loves fallen and broken people. Pleasing Jesus begins with showing his love to my spouse.

Teaching Outline

Marriage is worth fighting for – Proverbs 18:22, Matthew 19:4-6

⁴ …“Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, ⁵ and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? ⁶ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Matthew 19:4-6

God created marriage. He knows exactly how it’s supposed to work. (Genesis 2, Matthew 19:3-6)

Marriage is a living model of Christ’s love for the church. (Ephesians 5:22-27)

“²² Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

^“25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, ²⁶ that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, ²⁷ so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” Ephesians 5:22-27

A committed spouse displays Christ’s love – especially to an unbeliever. Luke 12:51-52, 1 Peter 3

Men: Fight to show Christ’s Love to your wife

Stop dominating

Understand her.

Honor her and esteem her as an equal.

Fight to show God’s grace to your spouse – Proverbs 17:1

Application: Pleasing Jesus begins with showing his love to my spouse.

[1] http://www.religioustolerance.org/chr_dira.htm

[2] http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sarah-prager/defining-traditional-marriage-not-redefining-it_b_3581228.html

http://www.gotquestions.org/Deuteronomy-22-28-29-marry-rapist.html